Now let’s get into some strategy to put all of this together. These are five things you can do right now to get better at flirting with all the knowledge we just dumped on you. We even put it together in an easy to follow format.
Steps To Flirting Effectively
Know why you want to start flirting with someone. Seems obvious but most people just jump in and hope that something positive will come of it. Whatever happens, happens so long it’s something in our favor.
Here are some reasons why a person would want to flirt with someone else.
- Relational – they want some kind of intimacy.
- Exploring – they want to see what possibilities are out there.
- Fun – they simply enjoy flirting.
- Achieving a goal – getting a date for an upcoming event or season.
- Sex – A different type of goal.
If you look at the types of flirting we covered (which were uncovered by communication studies professor Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas) earlier you will see that when you know why you’re flirting, the types you use are different. Flirting for fun is different from flirting for sex. One contains more physical contact than the other.
This list was intentionally set up in this order for a reason. It shows two extremes that were discovered by Dr. Sean Horan who studies Affection Exchange and Affectionate Communication at Fairchild University. Dr. Horan found that women have tended to flirt more for relational reasons than men. Men significantly have more sexual motivation. Two extremes at opposite ends of the scale.
How do you overcome these extremes? Know your primary flirting style. That’s your strength, then add in some of the other information provided so you have a strategy to move between the styles for a short time before returning to your strength. Just remember to keep everything in context with the environment you are in.
Smile and make eye contact. We mentioned eye contact before but we didn’t mention smiling. The person who looks to be most open to having a conversation is the one who is going to be approached the most. Is the person at the bar being talked to more or the person in the back corner?
Another study that was done by a group of human behavior scientists at Webster University showed that men tend to miss the first eye-gaze signal that women give. It took men three times longer to notice an intimate gaze than it did women. Eye contact, again, is huge.
A study conducted in 1989 titled “Looking and Love: The effect of mutual gaze on feelings of romantic love. was published in the Journal of Research in Personality, It showed that two strangers who gazed at each other for two-minutes began to have the feeling of affection for the other person.
Over another 34 scientific studies were done on romantic eye contact. The basics are this. Non-romantic eye contact lasts for an average of 1.18 seconds. Romantic eye contact lasts for an average of three seconds. A person who is confident and interested in what is taking place will usually break the eye contact to their dominant side. Either to the right or to the left depending on their dominant hand. Versus up or down which can be a sign of being timid, cautious, or a sign of deception. Remember to keep the context in mind.
If you’re not getting the contact switch your topic of conversation to something interesting the other person likes. Remember to be clever.
We go back to body language but for a different reason. Guys are bad about paying attention to body language and another scientific study points this out. At Learning Sciences Research Institute a group of people was asked to watch a silent movie where all sound was removed. They were asked to decode what was happening in the scene. Women got it right 87% of the time compared to men who came in at 42%. The interesting thing was that a small category of men who were in highly emotional jobs such as teaching, nursing, or acting did almost as well as the women.
What does this tell us? That men are almost clueless when reading non-verbal signs and why they misinterpret so often. But we can go even deeper. Another study had men and women go into an MRI and evaluate photos of people in different situations. Women had up to 16 areas of their brain active when evaluating what was going on. Men topped out at 6 areas.
For a guy to get good at flirting this is the area he must work on the most. It’s the most vital skill he can master to pick up on the subtle tell-tale signs to know if a woman is interested or not without misinterpreting the woman’s general interest, or just being polite. More than likely she is not just going to come right out and tell you in a crowded room of people that she would like to explore a romantic relationship. Social norms or rules prevent her from doing that.
Guys here are three things you can look for in women. Just keep in mind that these are very general, remember the context we mentioned earlier.
- Subtleties in her face:
- Fidgeting with her lips. This tends to be a large one that men miss. This usually happens later but it tends to be an indication she wants to be kissed.
- Overactive blinking. Amazingly this is a sign of flirting. Very subtle and easily missed. Don’t confuse it with her being bored or tired. The eyes stay closed longer if a person is bored or tired. Think of overactive blinking as a way of taking a mental picture.
- A head tilt. The face is lowered but the chin is slightly tilted up which exposes the neck. This is only part of it though. Look for the widening of eyes as well.
- Hair flipping. Again this is exposing the neck. It’s the most protected part of any animal body. To make it available to other people shows a level of trust and intimacy. Don’t confuse this with her just getting her hair out of her way.
- Proximity. The biggest thing that shows interest. If she is doing things to get closer to you, it’s a pretty big sign that she is engaged with what is taking place and wants to flirt. If you don’t look for anything else, look for proximity.
For women to men, it’s different. These are some subtle cues men give.
Women generally have about six facial expressions every ten seconds. Compare that to men to generally average only two every ten seconds. Men who make more expressions are generally considered more charming.
- Men who are engaged in flirting tend to lean in more and subtly flex their muscles. It sounds weird but they do it without thought. If a guy is interested in a woman and she touches his bicep he will tense it or slowly flex it so she gets a sense of his physical strength.
Guys will leave after a night of flirting with women with a feeling of physical exhaustion even though nothing really happened. It’s not bodybuilder type flexing, it’s just slight tightening of muscles to see if you are paying attention to their physic.
- Guys will also start fidgeting. Tucking in his shirt, tapping his feet, straightening his jacket are all examples. He wants to look presentable until he is assured he stands a good chance of winning over the woman.
- Face touching is a large one for many guys. If he’s interested he will start to touch his face. Cheeks, ears, chin, and lips are highly common when he is thinking of kissing. It is a way to bring the woman’s attention to his face and his masculine features.
The use of technology. Yes, people technology can be your friend when flirting. You don’t have to be right there face to face, there is less pressure to give in to anything you don’t want to, and you have control of time constraints. There is also the advantage of proofing everything before it is sent. No tripping over words or jumbled thoughts. This is a great way of getting some practice in before once again meeting a person in real life.
Remember to have with this and to keep the conversations thought-provokingly fun. The keyword here is fun. A simple question that provokes some thought can turn into days of interesting conversation with lots of flirting.
You can also use it to let the other person you are still interested in them and have not forgotten about them. A very simple “Thinking of you” or “Loved talking to you, can we do it again soon?” type of text is sometimes all it takes.
Guys, d-pics are not flirting. Most women are attracted to a guy who can engage in a conversation and do some polite or traditional flirting sprinkled in than overtly stating his intention with an unwelcome photo.
This is the easiest and hardest thing.
You have to go out and do this for real. Sitting at home and reading about it or listening to endless episodes, as much as we appreciate it, isn’t going to work. This goes for every aspect of your dating life. You can read, watch and listen to as many articles, studies, blogs, videos, and podcasts as you want. Until you go and do it, you won’t get any better.
Flirting is not restricted to bars and clubs. It can be done anywhere you are willing to talk to someone if you start with the correct type and you are socially adept to the surroundings and keep things in a proper context.
To get good at all of that you need to practice. It is totally up to you.