Know When To Talk To People
When To Touch
How To Take Them Home
Who I Wrote This For:
I wrote this because I know I can easily meet people in public, and I sometimes take that for granted. I know I’m more confident, so I was asked to become a coach.
I grew up in the military and had the privilege of living in a lot of different places. This gave me the social skills I learned from an early age. But, for most people, this is not the case.
Even though I am not a woman I can not pretend to understand what it is to live that life. I can, however, relate to the social struggles.
I know what it feels like to be targeted for ridicule. I know what it feels like to be invisible to those around you. I know what it feels like to have others feel sorry for you and take pity upon you.
As I said, I’ve lived in many places. In my early years, I moved more times than I can remember. I lived in Germany and traveled across Europe. In my teen years, I lived in several more states. In my early twenties, I lived from the West Coast to the East Coast and from the deep South to the Northern Border of the United States. All of that before I was 23.
That may sound exciting to many. Yet, as a kid, it meant dealing with being socially isolated with every move. It also meant being the “new kid” and targeted for bullying.
So, I know a thing or two about not feeling like you belong. I also know what it is like to be triumphant despite those feelings. I also know what it is like to put the saying “fake it until you make it” to earn your place.
To teach you that is my aim with this resource.
This is for every person out there who has social anxiety and a good heart. Those who fail at dating because their social anxiety gets in the way. This is for those who think their financial status, body type, or other insecurity are to blame for their failure in dating and relationships.
I am here to tell you right now: you can succeed. Whatever your body shape, finances, physique, home life, or job, you can still be successful if you do nothing to improve them. You just need a few little tweaks.
Don’t get me wrong though. Improvement in those areas does help. It helps you become more attractive to more people on the outside. Not to mention it helps you feel more confident on the inside. But, there is also another secret.
You Can Not Fake Confidence Forever
This is one reason I got out of being a pick-up artist. It’s loaded with manipulation and fake confidence. Since the 1967 book, “The Art of Erotic Seduction” by Albert Ellis men have been memorizing cheesy lines to pick up and sleep with women.
As women fell for the techniques men flocked to “pick-up coaches,” like me. The problem is you need to keep seeking more techniques if you want to keep a quality woman.
I used to live and breathe pick-up. Women found me attractive, interesting, and mysterious with a hint of a bad-boy side. Women fell for it and kept coming back for more. I found it intoxicating that me, a 5′ 6″ skinny guy, could hook super-model type women and have them hanging on my every word.
But I would eventually run out of material, quick comebacks, and gambits. The sex became non-existent. The women became bored and my own “plenty more” arrogance had the women leaving faster than I could get another. They would talk to their friends and I started to get a reputation for not being the guy I portrayed. But, pick-up had me believing I was becoming my true self.
Pick-up does nothing more than paint the facade that you get anyone you want. All you have to do is act a certain way, recite a script, and play a few interesting games. It’s like a brand name knock-off. Eventually, it becomes clear it is not the real thing, and you are not the real deal.
If you are looking for how to pick up someone, you are in the wrong place.
This is also not the place to learn a shortcut to getting sex.
You might get some sex by reading this. But, it is not the reason I am writing this. However, sex is one of the main reasons so many people (men and women) seek out pick-up artists today. I will tell you, people are smart. They have a sixth sense for that energy pick-up artists put off. It is not attractive and you probably will be called out for it.
Now, you are in the right place if you are genuinely interested in becoming better at socializing so you can be more successful at dating.
I broke this resource down into three sections:
- The Approach
- The Date
- The Next Day
I broke this down in this particular way because these three stages are what most people have problems with. I will be explaining each stage so you have the knowledge required to be successful in each part.
My only request is that you set aside all your preconceptions of what it takes to meet someone. In my experience, most people want to believe they know more than do, but if we are being honest with ourselves, you wouldn’t be reading this far if you already had this information.
So, for however long it takes you to read this over, set your ideas of me, my qualifications, what you think I know or do not know, or anything else you may have that can get in the way of you having an open mind and learning.
Part One: The Approach
The favorite part of everyone’s dating ritual.
Let’s take this from the guy’s point of view and the woman’s point of view.
Men’s Point Of View:
You’re at a club on another night hoping to meet some beautiful hottie while sipping on yet another overpriced drink you never heard of. You look over and see that attractive woman, dressed to the nines, standing with her friends. She’s in her own world, laughing, and having a good time.
Then it happens. It looks like she glanced your way and made eye contact. You could swear she looked right at you. But wait, why the hell would someone as hot as her be into a guy like you?
Nah, impossible. She’s not here to meet guys. She definitely has a boyfriend around here somewhere. Who knows maybe one of those other women is her girlfriend. What would you say to her anyway? Plus, if she found you attractive SHE should make the first move if she wants to talk. Doesn’t matter if you came to meet a woman. She’s probably a bitch anyway, so why even think about her?
Then you start thinking. Why is it that men have to do the approaching? What happened to all that equality stuff? Why is it that women fought for equal rights in everything, but then STILL want men to approach them? But, they can open their damn door.
“Nope.” you think to yourself. “I’m not going up to anyone tonight. I want a woman who knows what she wants. Yeah, that’s right. I want a woman who comes to me.”
You down your drink, pay the tab and call an Uber. You walk past the hottie and into another lonely night.
Women’s Point Of View:
You walk into a club with a couple of girlfriends. You make your way to the bar and order your drinks. While chatting and waiting for drinks you spot a cute guy sipping a drink. It takes a few glances, but you finally make eye contact. You smile and hold the contact for a moment before going back to the conversation.
You keep tabs on him by side glances to see if he makes a move. A moment later you see him get up. You slightly shift position so it’s easier for him to see you and approach. The anticipation comes and the butterflies start.
“I hope he isn’t weird,” you think to yourself. “Stacy better not try to move in on him. Damn, did I bring my mints? Is this outfit too tight?” The thoughts rush through like a freight train.
Then he passes by without so much as a glance in your direction, and he’s out the door. “I know he saw me looking at him. He looked right at me. I knew this dress is too tight and shows my pancake ass. No, he couldn’t see that with the bar. Did he my big ears? God, I hope not. Ew, now that guy is looking at me.” And, so goes your night out.
Does any of this sound familiar? Some of this may be a bit exaggerated, and you might only see yourself in parts of this story. You may even see yourself in all of it. In either case, if you see yourself in any of this, take it as a clear indication as to why you are struggling in meeting someone.
The first thing to do is to break down the mindset and why it is problematic, to begin with.
I need to put a disclaimer in here before I go any further.
I chose the club as an example, but anywhere could easily replace it. A cafe, a gym, a convenience store for that matter. Any public place where people gather can be used for this example. The setting does not matter. It is the context that is more important.
What does that mean?
A woman could be at a club with zero intention of meeting someone. She could also be at a church singles function. Most people think of bars or clubs as traditional places to go to meet people. Just because that is the place most people go doesn’t mean you are limited to just clubs and bars.
Most men think a gym is the wrong place to go and meet women. That’s understandable and respectable. However, things are more nuanced than that. In reality, there are opportunities to meet people everywhere if you know what to look for.
What you should get from this resource is looking for signs of who is open to making a connection. In the end, you should be focusing more on the ‘context’ of a particular situation and less on the ‘place’ you are in.
The Mental Game
In total, the mentality of experience in the story above is a toxic one. The reason behind the toxicity is the victim mindset. This is what a call a “chaser” mindset as it is a person who comes from insecurity and self-hate. This type of person usually operates on one extreme side or the other. It is either extreme shame or extreme pride that keeps this person from the success they desire.
Deep within the person either hates or blames others for their misery. If you seek out my posts on social media you will find a lot of “chasers,” in the comments. These are either men or women who follow me because part of them wants to get better at meeting another person. However, they are so far gone in their victimhood that it stops them from achieving success.
Instead of keeping an open mind and considering what is being said, they lay in wait for a chance to lay out why something doesn’t work according to their own myopic view. You may be a Chaser yourself if you find yourself blaming the city you live in, men, women, modern times, dating sites, or anything else outside of your direct control. That is a Chaser in operation.
Once the man in the story started down the Chaser thought process, he was on a collision course with failure.
First, he made the assumption that the woman was not interested or is already taken. That is a sign of deep insecurity. If you go into a situation believing they are taken or not interested, then what is the likely outcome going to be? This is why one of the keys to feeling more confident is taking care of the factors that are in your control. These can be body, skin, clothing choice, etc. Controlling these to a degree can help you in showing up to a situation more confidently.
For argument’s sake, let’s say you are already crushing it in these areas but still feel unattractive. Well, if you are going to win at dating there is a mental game you are going to need to master.
I’ve made it no secret that I’m not the hottest guy around. There are lots of guys I know who are taller, buffer, and are able to grow that stubble women seem like so much. It doesn’t matter though. When I enter a room with women I am attracted to, I embody confidence. That is what makes me stand out from the rest.
Sure if I were a model or an A-list actor on the cover of a magazine who couldn’t put together a decent sentence in front of an attractive woman, I might be able to get her into bed with me. I can assure you that she wouldn’t be telling her friends about me the next morning, if ever.
On a similar note, you may not be the hottest, best dressed, or sexiest woman in the room, and that’s okay. But, what is not okay and will continue to kill every opportunity for any connection? A victim mindset.
No woman or man wants to date a person who their gender or themselves. When a man tells himself “It’s not fair that men have to approach women.” that’s a victim mindset. When a woman asks herself “Why do I have to wait for the guy to talk to me? Why can’t it be the other way around?” That is a victim mindset.
If you don’t like how things are then change them. But, do not be disappointed when “waiting for her approach” doesn’t happen. Do not be surprised when you approach him and he gets confused. Of course, there are exceptions that exist. However, you should not rely upon them because you are putting yourself at the mercy of others.
In my years of coaching, I have seen many people remain passive in their love life. Years passed before they came to the realization that they only dated those who were readily available to them. They took the safe route instead of going outside their comfort zone and asking out the person they truly desired.
If you want to get better at the meeting and dating of other people, then you have to accept that certain things are the way they are for a reason. Now, let’s not get our undies all in a twist here. In technical terms, women do initiate the approach first by letting the guy know she is interested, and it’s okay to approach. Women drop hints ALL – THE – TIME. This could be her positioning herself closer to the guy, a glance in his direction, or a smile as he passes.
Men miss these signals because they are in their head overanalyzing everything and feeling down on themselves because they are in Chaser mode instead of acting on their impulses.
Yes, I know I am generalizing. I am speaking to the largest commonalities when I say “women this” and “men that.” So, please keep in mind that generalization is done for the sake of getting points across in the shortest amount of time.
Let’s have a look at the “Chooser” mindset before we get into a better way of approaching.
A Chooser is one who operates from the mindset of confidence and self-worth. They have a mindset of abundance. These people are students of life who are open to growing and advancing their skills. They do not blame others for their lack of satisfaction. They, instead, utilize their resources to increase their chances of getting what they want.
In dating that may be reading books, visiting websites, watching videos, taking a course, hring a mentor, or asking friends who are successful at dating. A person can be a Chaser and Chooser in a lifetime. You may be a Chaser now, but you can choose to take another path towards becoming a Chooser.
I was once a Chaser. I was clueless when it came to women. I spent time chasing women who had no intention of being with me. I went through phases where I felt sorry for myself. I was envious of the guys around me who were able to approach, flirt, and date women anytime they chose.
Then, in Chooser fashion, I decided to do something about it. I started studying, learned about fashion, reading books on phychology and sexuality. Not long afterwards I started to get success in attracting the women I was interested in.
Now that you have an idea of what a Chooser mindset looks like, lets rewrite that opening scenario from that vantage point.
Mens Point Of View:
You are sitting at a club bar sipping on your drink. You notice an attractive woman walk in with a group of friends. You think you saw her give a glance your way, but you are not entirely sure. You keep an open mind and observe her. Keeping in mind the location you make sure to not stare. You alternate between looking at your phone and glancing in her direction to confirm whether or not she is interested.
A couple minutes pass and your eyes meet. She quickly turns her attention back to her friends. This leads you to think of two possibilites:
- She’s not interested
- She’s nervous
You know it’s too early to know for sure. You play it cool while still observing, enjoying the abiance, and sipping the remainder of your drink. Then you make your confirmation move. You walk strategically in her direction to give her an opportunity to show any interest if it’s there. You know there is only one of two outcomes that can happen:
- She notices you and makes it a point to look at you again. Now you know she is in fact interested and it wasn’t just in your head.
- You walk past her, and nothing happens. She continues chatting to her friends. She’s not interested.
Womans Point Of View:
You walk into a club with your girlfriends and go to the bar to order some drinks. You notice a cute guy sipping on a drink while looking at his phone. He glances up and catches you looking his direction. Startled being caught you look away and continue talking to your friends.
You want to look over again to see if he is checking you out. You wish you could move to get a better vantage point, but it’s getting crowded. The best you can do without being obvious are some side glances, but you can’t see much. You summon up some courage and look in his direction only to meet his eyes again. Caught again you quickly go back to your friends.
You know there are one of two outcomes at this point:
- He’s not interested
- He’s shy
A few minutes pass and nothing is happening. The drinks arrive and find an opportunity to look in his direction again. You see he is getting up and moving. With the little space you have you adjust your position to get a good look at him and give a signal that you are interested. At this point you know only two things can take place:
- He passes by and makes it obvious to look in your direction. You now know he is interested.
- He walks by and nothing happens. He keeps going as if you don’t exist. He’s not interesed.
Here is the difference between a Chaser and Chooser mindset. If a Chaser has gotten this far and hasn’t already given up and gone home. He or she is already in their head. They are feeling sorry for themselves. They are going over all the times they have been rejected or overlooked.
A Chooser looks around at all of the options. They see abundance. If the other person is interested, great. If they are not, it’s no big deal. Think of it as going to your favorite ice cream store. You are craving your favorite flavor only to find out they are sold out. Instead of getting pissed that others also like the flavor and storming off in a huff, you try a flavor you haven’t tried.
Yeah sure it sucks your favorite isn’t in stock, for like two seconds. Then you move on and select a new flavor or go somewhere else where they may have it. You don’t have to go to one particular store to have your favorite flavor for all to well in the world.
In a similar fashion, this is just one girl or one guy. You will be okay if they are not interested. You are not going to burst into flames if nothing happens.
But, what if the other person does glance over? What do you do then?
When the guy sees you, smile. Give a little smirk and head tilt. If you are feeling brave mouth the word “hi” or “hey.” Give him no doubts you are interested and it’s okay to come over.
Same with the guys I know some women may be thinking “But I’ve made it obvious. How much more can do without yelling?” The thing to remember is that guys are not that socially attuned to subtle signals. If your signal is not clear, he will doubt it and keep moving.
If you are walking by and you see her looking in your direction and smiling. Go talk to her. Don’t wait for “the perfect moment,” she is telling you to come over.
I know some guys out there are probably thinking. “but why not pass by? Be cool about it. I’ll have time to think about something to say.” And, you would be wrong.
What You Say Doesn’t Matter!
Guys, you may want to read that again. The ball is in your court and the game is yours to win or lose. What you say DOES NOT matter. What does matter, is how you make her feel. What she feels will stay with her, not the exact words she hears.
You can literally have a perfectly successful approach by walking up and saying, “Hi, I’m (instert your name.)” Now, there is some good news and some bad news about this.
The good news is, those three words are all you will ever need to start a conversation with a woman.
The bad news, even with those three words, you can still fuck it up.
I have worked with clients with whom I had repeat those three words for an entire day until they got it right. Then I had them repeat it again until it stuck with them. You are probably asking yourself, “What does he mean by getting it right?”
When you say this phrase you have to master your vocal tone and body language. There is a big difference between having a cool and calm attitude versus a tight nervous energy. There is also a difference between having a “customer service” tone and a charming tone.
A customer service tone is at a higher pitch than normal. The end of the sentence, or statement, also sounds like a question even when it is not. To get an idea of what this looks like just to any sales store. I like to take clients to car lots. Then watch the sales staff approaching people. The higher pitch voice, excessive smile, and “little boy energy.” It’s not inviting or sexy. The sales staff is there to do business and get you to buy. They are not there to seduce you. The energy is very different and a shortcut to rejection or the friend zone.
To get the tone right you need to speak from your gut, not your throat. A simple way to know if you are getting it place your hand on your lower chest. When you speak you should feel a vibration. If you are still having problems, look up “how to speak from the diaphragm,” on YouTube.
Next is the handshake. When you shake a woman’s hand, don’t press or squeeze too hard. You also don’t want something limp. A bit of tension in the wrist and hand to match her level of intensity is all you need.
So, ladies, it’s your turn.
You gave your signal, and oh damn he’s coming your way. Now what?
Relax. The ball is in his court. All you need to do is stand there and see what comes next. Honestly, that is it. Now there are a few things you can do if you want to help him along.
But, first things first.
You feel one of two things. You either feel the tension and butterflies, or you feel total dread. That depends on the guy who is approaching and your interest level in him. We are concentrating on the tension and butterflies.
The first thing to understand is that men are like switches. When a guy sees a woman, he is either on or off. If he finds her attractive, he’s on. If he doesn’t find her attractive he is off. Yep, it is really that simple with men. Most men do not have a “maybe” category for women. If you want to break it down even further you could say when men see a woman it breaks down to “sex yes,” or “sex no” in their decision-making process.
With this in mind, the best thing to do is to get out of your head. Don’t think he will not like you because of your makeup, your breast size, your nose, your butt, or any other body issues you might see. If he didn’t find you attractive, he wouldn’t be approaching. In truth, he is probably more nervous than you.
The guy likes what he sees. He probably doesn’t even see anything wrong with you. The only way he would notice something is if you point it out to him. In all sincerity, he probably still wouldn’t see an issue.
I had a female client who was gorgeous. If she wasn’t a client of mine and I had seen her anywhere else I definitely would have approached her. Everything about her looks was perfect. What made her even more attractive was the fact that she was as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside.
As I started coaching her she revealed that she didn’t like certain parts of her body. Her biggest issue was the shape of her nose. The most prominent feature of any person’s face. I never even noticed anything about her nose that off-putting. But, she didn’t like it, and that was her reality.
I worked with her for several months. She was still very hung up over her nose and that was why guys kept passing her by. The real reason was that she wasn’t giving the signs guys needed to know it was okay to approach her. The insecurity she had was preventing her from signaling, “it’s okay to come over.”
In a desperate measure, I came up with an extreme session. I met her at her place and laid it out for her. She agreed to go put on her bikini and meet me in her room in front of a full-length mirror. I went inch-by-inch from the top of her head to her toes pointing out everything that was beautiful about her. When she argued, I pointed out how that part accentuated another part.
Two and a half hours later, she saw what I saw. After 23 years this woman finally saw her beauty for the first time. How the shape of her nose accentuated the shape of her eyes. From the profile, the shape drew men into noticing the shape of her lips. That led to her jawline and gentle curves of her neck.
If you are wondering, nothing physical happened between us. Except for a hug. It was the hardest session I dealt with about 15 minutes in (pun intended). She noticed, but we kept things professional. Afterward, she really didn’t need any more coaching. She was giving signals and being approached by guys she wanted to meet.
As I said, if the guy is approaching, he likes what he sees.
Now, if you want to help the guy out a little without seeming over-anxious to meet him, here are some tips.
As he is walking up to you, meet his gaze and smile.
You can also angle yourself to show him you were hoping he would come over. If the guy missed the smile, he won’t miss this. If he is nervous and thinking about bailing, this can give him that small boost he needs to follow through.
The last thing you can do is a head tilt. It’s a super sexy move you women have. Look at just about any supermodel pose and you see the head tilt is used. Guys are suckers for it and they don’t even see you doing it. They just see a sexy look.
Beyond this, all you have to do is wait for him to say something. Then take it from there.
Now add in the smile. Keep a brief open-mouth smile for your introduction. You don’t have to sit there holding it like your face is frozen in time. Start your smile about three steps away, and keep it brief. Holding it is not important, what is important is eye contact. Make eye contact, and don’t immediately look away.
If you immediately look away it’s a sign that you are insecure. If you immediately look at her chest, you’re a perv and just want sex. Relax your eyes and pierce her with your eyes. Hold the eye contact for about 2-3 seconds then glance either left or right and then back to her eyes.
Now introduce yourself. When you speak make sure that your statements or closed-ended sentences do not go up in pitch. “Hi, I’m David,” should sound like a statement. “Hi, I’m David?” isn’t going to cut it.
You tossed the ball and it’s her turn. Now, what do you do? This is where you bring in the most important skill you can develop. The skill of observation. Lots of information is going to come at you in a few seconds. Does she smile back? Is it a real smile or a fake one? Does she let the handshake linger or does she want her hand back? Does she step back, hold her ground, or step forward?
If you see nothing else, look for the smile. You can tell a lot by how she is feeling by her smile. People are naturally attuned to tell the difference between a real and a fake smile. You don’t have to be an expert to know what’s real and fake. At first approaching, someone will feel nerve-wracking. But, you have to remain present and in the moment. You can’t go escaping into your head. At first, it may seem impossible, but with practice, it becomes easier.
If you want to get a really good sense of where you are at, look at her feet. Notice the direction they are pointing. If they are pointed at you, that’s a great sign. It means her focus is on you. If one is pointed away, it’s not all bad. Either she is not totally sure about you, or the conversation is waning. Either way, this is something to notice.
Like I said earlier, all of this happens in a matter of seconds. This is why you (the men out there) have to be willing to get past your nerves, look past yourself, and notice the signs women are giving you. Be willing to approach women. The more you approach, the easier it will become. Trust me on this one.
I met a guy at a local club who came up to me asking how I got so many women in a single night. I wasn’t going home with them, but I was bouncing around the club just talking and having fun enjoying the process of meeting and flirting. Turns out the guy was 31 and had never been on a date, ever. No homecoming, no prom, nothing.
He was average looking, well-spoken, and had an average job. There was nothing spectacular about him. Your run-of-the-mill Joe. After a week he was able to go up to a woman, in public, and ask her out. That same night he got his first real kiss. He didn’t do anything over-the-top or memorize any clever openers off the internet.
He was able to do this because he became comfortable feeling uncomfortable. Those nerves he felt became his new normal. That is the essence of confidence when approaching and understanding the signs women gave him.
Part Two: The Date
Congratulations! You did the deed. You found a person you were attracted to and either sent them approach signals or approached. You introduced yourself and they seemed interested in engaging in a conversation. The world didn’t end, and you didn’t burst into flames. Now you feel like you’re mind is a fog. You’re wondering what to say next to move the conversation forward. You want to exchange numbers but do not have a transition. You’re asking “what do I do now?”
Here is some magic dust for you, less is more. You need to keep in mind that the approach is not the date. Depending on the location and situation, it may not be appropriate to hold a long conversation. An example would be in an office or they are with a group of friends. It would appear rude to hold them up with an extended conversation.
In this situation, it is best to keep the conversation brief. Do the introduction, and use your observation for the signs mentioned in part one. If things are going well ask a few basic questions such as “how are things going for you?” or comment on their appearance “Your outfit looks great, I like your style.” Or, you could get a little flirty and bold “I saw you looking in my direction, are you mind stalking me?”
These are just examples and are rather safe. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there and to be bold. I know it’s very popular advice to keep safe and give compliments on something the other person puts effort into. Men get advice on complimenting women’s outfits all the time. I happen to disagree with this type of advice.
I give compliments on women’s hair and eyes all the time. People technically do not put effort into their hair type or style. You can’t choose your hair type, and the style is technically done by the barber or stylist. We just maintain it until the next visit. We don’t have any control over our eyes. However, people light up when I give what I call a reasoned compliment such as “I like your hairstyle, it frames your face really well.” or “I like the color of your eyes, am I seeing flecks of honey color in them?”
A reasoned compliment goes one step further than the standard “I like your hair” or “You have nice brown eyes.” Sure, people still like to hear these, but they are rather ho-hum compliments. You are not ho-hum, and neither is the person you are talking to. If the person you are talking to has heard the same compliment 20 times that day, who is the one they are going to remember most? The one who said “I like your hair?” or the one who gave a reason as to why they liked it?
So, if you have gone pervy or desperate by commenting on the woman’s ass or the bulge in the guy’s pants, I don’t see why a tasteful complement on part of the person’s physical appearance would be off limits. The trick is all in how you go about doing it. If you don’t find something special and attempt to pay a compliment to that part of their appearance, it will show. But, if you find something and point it out in a tasteful reasoned way, there shouldn’t be anything wrong with that.
Up to this point, you have introduced yourself, had a moment of small talk, and there is no indication that the person wants to leave. You observe that they are holding eye contact, have a genuine smile, and seem to want the conversation to continue. Where do you go next?
It all depends on the environment and situation. You may need to start prepping for your polite exit. Now, if you were at a party or similar social function it may be appropriate to keep the conversation going. For example, I met a previous girlfriend at a local business mixer. We went for the same plate and I cracked a joke about stealing business from the competition. It made sense to have a longer conversation at the time because we were both alone.
What you don’t want to do is cling to the same person all night long. It’s not attractive and when topics start to stale the vibe can get weird trying to force the conversation forward. At this point in time, you don’t owe the other person anything yet. When you are getting close to running out of things to say, excuse yourself and let them know you hope to run into them later. This will more than likely happen at a party, business function, or in the office.
If things are going well and both of you are engaging and having fun is the perfect time for a graceful exit. In a cheerful tone let the other person know you don’t want to keep them and you need to go as well. Let them know you will catch up to them later. You can even ask what time they are off or how long they are staying so you won’t miss them.
This single tip can work wonders if you leave things on a high note. It gives the person an opportunity to think over what took place, and wonder about what will happen in the next encounter. In other words, they are going to miss your company a little bit. This also sets you up to ask for their number. They had time to think about how they felt during that first interaction, they had time to anticipate seeing you again and appreciate when they do see you. Instead of just seeing it as a given because you find them attractive.
Trust me when I say that both men and women WANT to work for your attention. You DO NOT have to spell out or make it super obvious to them that they have your attention. Be cool about it. Let them see that you trust in the value that you bring to the table.
Let’s flip the script and say you have a chance encounter with a one time shot.
Woman’s Point Of View:
You’re at a coffee shop doing some work on your laptop. You see a cute guy come in and can’t help but notice him. You would like nothing more than to talk to him, but you are on a deadline.
Man’s Point Of View:
You enter the coffee shop and notice an attractive woman glancing your way. She’s busy working on something on her laptop. As you make your way through the line and place your order you notice her glances are following you.
In a case such as this, it is best to notice that there is not a lot of time. Approach and introduce yourself. Allow a few brief minutes of small talk then exit. An example of a graceful exit for the guy would be “I see you’re busy and I need to get moving myself. I’ve enjoyed meeting you. Can I get your number and text you later?”
Normally the one who approaches should do the exit. However, there are times they are searching (and missing) the natural moments. For the woman to do a graceful exit it could look something like this. “I really need to get back to this and I don’t want to hold you up either. Can I get your number and text you later?”
The thing I like about this is that it’s casual and to the point. It implies interest, shows you enjoyed the conversation, and that you are not clingy and have other plans. The best part is that does not imply you are asking the other person out on a date. That can cause a lot of pressure for a woman on the spot and/or anticipation with the guy. In today’s society, most people are comfortable texting, even if they are not initially super interested.
The worst that can happen is they give you their number, or a toss-a-way number, just to get you to go away. Most people, and especially women, are socialized to be “nice.” so sometimes politeness is mistaken for genuine interest. If this happens to be the case, don’t jump into a victim mindset and start judging the other person as a liar, tease, or whatever. It won’t serve you and is a waste of energy.
If they ignore you or the number turns out fake, get on with your life and recognize the fact that you had the courage to give the signals or make the approach, to begin with. You didn’t get inside your head and make a bunch of excuses as to why you shouldn’t approach. Or just sit there and think about approaching, but not actually doing it.
Let’s assume however that you got the real number and the other person really does want to hear from you. When do you send the text?
Before we get into that, let me answer a question that guys ask me a lot. This comes from dating coaches and mainstream media dating advice. Men hear they need to be a bit mysterious. So, I get asked a lot “how can I be more mysterious?” The reality is, that’s the wrong question to ask.
The real question that you should be asking is. how can I genuinely be a more interesting person?
Trying to fake that you have an interesting life will eventually catch up to you. Let’s say you meet a person and you fake whatever to seem more interesting. Then things really start to work out and become serious. Then the other person wonders where that interesting life you said you had is at. Now you broke their trust and what could have been a great relationship is over.
In the realm of dating and relationships, you attract who you match for, not who you want. Look at it like this: If you want a person who has a passion for adventure, you must first become adventurous yourself. If you want someone who has a passion for life, you must have a passion for life before you meet them. You must become what you want to attract.
You can want whomever you want. You can want that famous A-List celebrity in that summer blockbuster movie. But, if they are truly passionate about food and cooking and you are not. You have no chance of attracting them for anything long-term.
Here is how you match with someone that is right for you. Take a survey of yourself: What hobbies do you enjoy? Do you have friends who challenge you? Do you have some fun trips planned? Do you feel comfortable in your home? What is your real passion? If you can’t give a detailed answer, or answer yes, to these questions then you need to ask yourself what you are going to do about it?
So, when are you going to send that text? It doesn’t really matter.
Yes, you read that correctly. It does not really matter.
The reason behind this is that a high-quality person has a lot going on with them. You might send a quick text two minutes later because you happened to be on your phone checking emails. You could send a text two hours later because that is the first free chance you had. The thing you need to remember is to be authentic.
Yes, I know you hear from dating gurus, books, websites, videos, and tabloid magazines to waiting two days before doing anything. Then there are some pick-up “masters” who say to wait three days and yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah. That’s all nonsense and that shit only works on the naive. I’m not putting down those who fall for this. I’ve been on the receiving end of it before and it worked on me.
Looking back I remember meeting this really hot woman at a club in Nebraska. We talked off and on through the night and had a great connection. The entire night I was in my head overthinking everything. I was really wondering what I did to attract her. We closed the club and had a great kiss in the parking lot. She asked for my number and I gave it to her.
I didn’t hear anything from her for two days. I was really in my head going over every detail of that night. That was exactly what she wanted me to be doing. Then she called and asked if I remembered her. OF COURSE, I did and I was banging my head thinking I messed up. Fast forward a few weeks later and I broke it off with her. She didn’t take it well and the guys I hung around called me crazy for cutting loose such a hottie. It was about six months later I learned the games she played on me.
Since the inception of the Girls Ask Guys Show, I have stressed that tactics of pick-up and much of the advice given by many dating coaches do not work. They especially do not work on high-quality people. The reason is that the teachings and tactics used are based on a person’s insecurity.
If that hot woman I met back in Nebraska was really confident, she wouldn’t have waited two days to call me. Now, that would not have changed what I saw about her later on. To tell the truth, some of her behavior did come from confidence, but that would not have changed that underlying feeling I had that something wasn’t right about her. The biggest part of why I left was the constant flip-flop between insecurity and glimpses of confidence.
I sat biting my nails for two days thinking I messed up. Then I convinced myself she was busy with other things. “She must be busy with such an interesting life. It took her two days to get back to me.” Fuck that. The vibe and energy level people feel don’t lie!
In this section I have laid a lot on you, so let’s do a quick rundown of the main points. The real thing I want to get across is that when it comes to timing is that you don’t drop what you are doing to make something happen. If you are taking care of other plans, take care of them first. You just met that person, they are not going anywhere. Don’t complicate things that don’t need to be complicated. Even if you text seconds after getting the number, it’s not going to change the outcome in the long run.
Now you when to text. The next question is “What do I text?”
Just so you understand, you can text whenever you would like.
Now with what to send, you can go many different directions with this. It’s really based on your personality. You can go serious, funny, a bit cocky whatever suits your personality. Be who you are and don’t fake it.
I like to have fun and be a bit cocky while being a bit of a nerd. That’s the route I go when using text. Sometimes it works, other times things get lost in translation because it is text. This happened to me after I met this great woman while walking around a local park. I had gotten her number and let her know I would send her a text so we could meet up later.
The conversation we had was great. We had that tension between us. It was that “I know what your thinking. You know what I’m thinking. But, we’re both going to pretend like we don’t know,” tension. We broke off at a high point of the conversation and went out separate ways. Mid-way home I realized we didn’t know each other’s last names.
So, roughly five minutes later I sent her a text. It read like this, “Hey Bree, this is John.” Then I sent a second that read, “I didn’t get your last name so I’m officially saving you in my phone as Bree Tribble.” Yeah, she didn’t get it. It also wasn’t what she was expecting. When we met up I found out she was expecting something a little more romantic.
Overall, this worked in my favor. It reflected how I was in person. How I was in person and how I was in my text were congruent. Then I explained the Star Trek reference which is now an inside joke between us. Now, if this is not you don’t go trying to fake it. Being inauthentic will eventually catch up to you and could kill any chances at a great relationship.
I personally try to keep my texts simple. I give some thought to the interaction I had with the woman I met. Then I want to convey what my intention is for the near future. In the beginning, I only want to use text for logistics. As the relationship develops I will switch to using it for more romantic communication.
Here are some examples of logistic texts:
Text 1: “Had fun meeting you, _____. Your smile made my day. “
Text 2: “Great meeting you. ______. Enjoy the rest of your night with your girls, I’ll catch up with you tomorrow. “
Text 3: “Enjoyed meeting you today, _____. Are you free Wednesday around 4ish? I have something fun in mind that we can do. “
The three examples I gave are some you really can’t go wrong with. The first two are good if you met someone late at night and you don’t want to tie them up trying to figure out when and where to meet up. This also works if you want to wait for the other person to share their interest level before you express your intent to meet up.
Either way, you go, these three texts can work. If you use the first two, just make sure to follow up with a day and time shortly after the other person responds. A few hours is okay but no longer than the next day. If you notice in the third text I used “ish” after the time. I learned this technique from the financial industry.
When a person says, “Let’s meet at 4 pm,” it implies that you are late at 4:01. By saying “4ish” it takes off the pressure and allows a little leeway if the other person is running late. It also implies that this going to be casual and with no pressure. Just remember that you didn’t get the number to become text pals. You got it so that you can schedule a date.
You will also notice I left a space for their name. This lets them know I remember who they are. It also gives the impression that they are special and important to me. The best people in sales and customer service always use a person’s name. That’s the psychological side of it. In reality, it serves as a reminder so you don’t forget it.
If you look at the examples you will notice they don’t go over two lines. Use text messages for logistics. Don’t use it to get to know the other person unless you want to be their friend and text buddy. Get to know them in person.
Now you know how to approach, keep the conversation going, get their number, and ask them out. Next is the date and how to prepare for that.
The dating plan in the graphic above is not a plan. Think of first dates as a demo of the relationship that can happen. Both of you are there to decide if the other person is the right fit for you. This is why you hear me on the podcast talking about keeping the first dates simple. Some may disagree with me and want to be extravagant by having white glove service and laying out the red carpet.
In my opinion, you should stay away from that type of person. Up to this point, what have either of you done? There was an approach, an introduction, a little chat, an exchange of phone numbers, and a couple of texts. What actions to this point warrant the red carpet treatment? If you plan such a first date you look desperate and possibly needy. Not to mention the other person hasn’t done anything to earn such treatment and it puts an expectation and pressure on them that is not needed.
It doesn’t matter how much of a connection you felt, how hot they are, how cool they seem to be. Neither of you know anything about the other person. Don’t misread what I’m saying here. I’m not saying just go out and wing it while hoping it all works out. What I’m saying is to keep it simple, easy to do, and laid back. This is super important if your first encounter was really brief. You really can’t learn anything about someone in a few minutes. But, you can still make the first date fun!
Simple First Date Examples:
Here are some dates I set up with some women I have gone out with. The thing to remember is that both of you are there to get to know the other person. You are not there for the activity, you are there for the other person.
Indoor Skydiving/Rockclimbing: While talking to a woman I found out she always wanted to skydive but was scared to. It so happens I’ve done this more than a few times and we live close to an indoor skydive park. I didn’t tell her what we were doing and I parked several blocks from the park. As we walked to the park and she saw the building she put two-and-two together. Doing something physical together gets the blood circulating and heightens that feeling of sexual attraction.
Cake Walk: I set up a meeting at a local park next to the river. The park and river were not my intended destination. I wanted to take her to a small cafe that made amazing cakes and desserts that just opened up a week earlier. We had such a great time that we completely forgot where we were going. In case you are wondering, that is a surefire sign of a great first date. It took three additional dates before we made it there.
Stargazing: Now that lead photo makes sense doesn’t it? This is possibly the cheapest date you can do. With the exception of something to drink it costs nothing. Yet, it can be super romantic. I set this date up for a little later than normal. I checked what time the sun was going to set so we could catch that. Then I got some strawberries and almonds and two small bottles of wine. One was a Pinot Noir which is a white wine. The other was a Chardonnay, a red wine. The two go well with strawberries and give a choice of red or white. The date was super fun and we learned a lot about each other while watching the stars.
Fruit And Champagne: This is a bit red carpetish, but it’s simple. I also knew this woman a little better. I set up the date to meet her at a park (yes, I use parks a lot). I made up a fruit tray of pineapple, melon, grapes, and strawberries beforehand. When she arrived we walked around a bit and just talked. Then I said I was getting hungry. Went to the car and grabbed the tray, a small bottle of champagne, and some toothpicks. We sat on a park bench and enjoyed the rest of the night. As the sun set, we danced without music. She told me at the end that it was the most romantic date she had ever been on. Win-win.
So why are these dates so successful? Because they are memorable. It’s not about where you go or how much you spend. It’s about the feeling you have with the other person. It’s about being present at the moment with the person you are with. When planning a date you want to think about physical proximity and the ability to talk. Each of these dates makes both of those goals easy to do.
You could go to a fancy restaurant and spend a lot on an expensive meal. However, the seating complicates the ability to get close. Then it just feels strange to try and get close after an hour or so of being separated. Also, it’s hard to touch without it feeling forced when you are seated across from each other. On top of that, restaurants can be loud making it difficult to hear what the other person is saying. Not to mention, you don’t want to share as much with a lot of people around.
Use the date ideas I give as examples. Build and plan your dates using the ingredients I give. The next part is what you do while on the date so it all comes together.
See that picture above? This is what you don’t want your date to look like.
Being a dating and relationship coach I see the same mistakes made so many times. This is because a big part of my job is to observe people interacting with others and on dates. One of the things I see is people treating the first date as a job interview. It’s almost like they might as well say, “I have a position open, tell me what your favorite color is.”
Men tend to do this more than women. I would sit there and watch as the woman is drilled with mundane questions, the conversation dies a slow death, the woman gets bored, then things get weird. This isn’t mentioned to shame anyone. I only bring it up to bring light to a big problem. People get to the date and forget how to start a casual conversation to get to know someone.
As I mentioned earlier, a date is about being present in the moment with the other person. It is not just about connecting on an intellectual level. It is also about connecting emotionally and sexually to get that “this feels good” feeling. This does not mean you need to have sex on the first date. You do, however, need that sexual tension for the relationship to move forward. To get this a first date needs three things.
- Intellectual Stimulation
- Sexual Stimulation
- Emotional Stimulation
When you are on a date, any date, keep these three things in mind. Every good meal is made of the right amount of ingredients. Too much of any one ingredient and the taste is off. Like icing on a cake that has too much sugar. On a date, you want the right amount of each of these ingredients.
If you notice that you haven’t touched for the last thirty minutes and only talked about climate change, then you need to change things up. If you are at a loss as to how here’s a tip. Go get a drink, take a bathroom break, change your location, and do something to break the current pattern. If you want more emotional then set the intention before the break, and then do it when you get back. If you need more sexual stimulation, then up the flirting.
Flirting is not as complex as you think. It can be as simple as telling the other person that the way they look at you makes you feel like they are undressing you. Something a little less sexual would be to tell them they look sexy when they are chewing. You can go down that road of flirty exchange for at least a few minutes. If you need a little more touch try complimenting their hands or nails. Then ask to see them up close. You just created an opportunity to touch. If they are wearing a necklace you can do the same thing.
If none of that works you can simply try sitting closer. If you are at a park, it should be rather easy. Move in a little closer and then watch the other person for their reaction. If they move away, touch is not in the cards at the moment. If they allow it or move closer themselves, then they are probably just as excited as you are for the eventual touch. The next step is to TOUCH!!
You now have intellectual stimulation where you get to know the other person. You have the flirting and touching which is the sexual stimulation. The last ingredient is emotional stimulation. This happens to be the hardest part for most men. Men tend to know what they are thinking and get more analytical than emotional. As such, men are not nearly as in touch with what they are feeling as women.
This is one of the main reasons why men miss the emotional signals women send. It’s also one of the reasons why women have a problem trying to read where the guy is emotionally. But, all of that can change. It just takes a little active awareness.
It starts with how you feel when you are on a date. How you feel is how your date is going to feel. People are wired to mirror the emotions of those around them. If you feel nervous, and stay nervous, then your date is going to feel uncomfortable and not know exactly why that is. To make sure this doesn’t happen you need to become familiar with where your nervousness shows up within you.
For some, it begins as a knotty feeling within your gut. For others, it feels like a tightness in the chest. It’s crucial to become better at understanding and managing your own emotions. Become aware and comfortable in how you feel so you can help your date relate to you on an emotional level.
If you have a problem calming down take a few deep slow breaths to calm your nerves. This can go a long way to changing how you feel from nervous to confident. While on the date, remember to pause. You don’t have to fill the silence by talking. It’s actually a good thing if you use silence wisely. Remember sexual stimulation is necessary and silence can build that. Use these moments to eye contact. Doing this can place the date on autopilot rather than asking answering another round of questions.
I’m going to drop some pro-tips on you for infusing emotional stimulation on your dates. Something I ask a lot is “how” questions. A question I really like to ask is, “How are you feeling right now?” or “how have your past relationships impacted how you see future relationships?” or “how did moving around so much influence your view of the world?” These types of questions invite the other person to elaborate on their feelings. This creates that emotional connection that is essential to building a relationship.
If you have done everything up to this point then you have set up a memorable but simple date. You have created a balance between intellectual, sexual, and emotional stimulation, but there hasn’t been a kiss yet. You are feeling the pressure. Should I or should I not? I want to, do they want to? Do I go for it, or do I wait?
The tip I have for you just might surprise you. If you have done everything right, it’s not the end of the world if don’t kiss. There is a reason behind this. Real life is not black and white. A huge grey zone sits in the middle that allows for flexibility. If you are rigid about getting that kiss because that is what you are “supposed” to do, the other person will feel that, and it will feel strange. Why rush it and make them feel pressured?
I’m not saying you need to wait for a month, but it’s okay that a moment that feels right doesn’t come about. I want to be clear about something: there is a huge difference between holding yourself back because of fear versus there is not having a moment where things feel right. You can’t fool yourself. I have been on dates where I didn’t feel the moment. Only to look back twenty minutes after it ended and realized there are plenty of moments.
I don’t give myself a free pass because I get scared. If I chicken out, then I accept that I chickened out. I don’t beat myself up over it, I just notice that I got scared. It happens every now and then. The real truth is that there is rarely ever a “perfect moment” for a kiss. There are usually some “better” moments for the kiss to happen. The big takeaway is that you can’t let fear run your life.
You also have to consider the type of kisser your date is. What do I mean by this? I am what I call an omni-kisser. I’ll kiss my date where ever we happen to be. My date however may not be comfortable with public display of affection type. She may be okay with a peck on the cheek, but there won’t be any lip touching in public. Be aware of your surroundings. If you are not sure try to make sure you are as out of sight of others as possible. Do your best to make sure your date is comfortable. If you don’t you could get an outright rejection or a half-assed kiss that leaves them feeling pressured and uncomfortable. When the time feels right, trust the kiss will happen. Especially, if all the ingredients are present on the date.
At the end of the day, first kisses are just sometimes awkward. That’s okay, it’s the first kiss. Don’t take it so seriously. I have been turned down when I went in for the first kiss. The date went really well, I was feeling it and thought she was as well. She was about to leave and I went in for the kiss, she wasn’t comfortable with it that early in the relationship.
I didn’t freak about it or take it as an outright rejection. I just looked her in the eyes and said, “another time then. I’m curious about how you kiss.” With that, we continued to flirt and get to know each other. About an hour later we kissed.
If you are totally stuck on the when or how to lean in for the first kiss, I have a pro tip. You can always just tell your date that you want to kiss. Like before, I will give you some examples to model off of:
Tell One: “When you talk like that, I want to kiss you.”
Tell Two: “I have to tell you that I feel a strong urge to kiss you right now. What do you feel?”
Tell Three: “I apologize. I’m just distracted right now. I just want to kiss you.”
With that said, just because you tell your date doesn’t mean it will work. Don’t take it personally if they turn you down.
I’ve had the third one used on me by a girl I went out with for about a year. The way she said it was so hot and sultry. It really took me by surprise and I wanted to kiss her. I turned her down because I wasn’t truly feeling it at that moment.
I hope these help you if you feel stuck on how to initiate the kiss. And with that, we have covered everything to ace that first date. So what happens next? I will cover that in the last part. The Next Day.
Part Three: The Day After
In the last part, you learned what to do on the date. In this part, you will learn what to do after the date. I put this together to answer the common question, “how do I keep them interested?” This will be answered by breaking things down into four sections.
- Post-date logistics
- Equal energy exchange
- Who you date matters as much as what you do
- How to overcome rejection
As I mentioned earlier, you want to use texting for logistics. You want to keep with this, but you can loosen the reigns a little. If the date went mildly well, the other person would possibly want to see you again. Now that you have gone out, you can use texting for more than logistics. It would be acceptable to keep the connection alive. But don’t overdo it and keep the primary outcome of seeing each other again in mind.
I have a few examples that I will give, and you can modify them to fit your personality. If you can reference something from the date that would be the way I would recommend you go. You can joke about something that happened on the date as an inside joke. Keep in mind that the joke had to have been well received and it cannot be something your date is insecure about. Don’t push the jokes as there is a line, and they can become a turn-off.
There was a woman I went with who was from Australia. I adored her personality and outgoing spirit. On the date, we stopped at a cafe for a coffee. We both liked history and talk about the origins of the United States and Australia. On our way out we got a refill and she pocketed two packets of sugar for her coffee. I made a joke about stealing. She remarked that it was in her family’s genes. So, when I texted her the next day I referred to her as my “little thief.” Because I don’t overdo it and keep it lighthearted it’s well received. In-person, she blushed when I referred to her as “my little thief,” and I became her “partner in crime.”
Steer away from jokes that have a sexual undertone. I’m not going to say don’t use these if they are your style of humor. I would say to dial it back. There is a time and place for sexual undertone jokes. Keep them brief. There are many people, especially women, who no matter how into the person they are, sexual jokes can shut them down.
If you cannot reference anything from the date then it is a sign you did not have enough of the emotional and sexual tension ingredient on the date. If this is the case then a simple text should be okay. You just don’t want to become text pals by lingering before asking them out again. Three or four texts should be your limit before you are ready to ask them out.
When the time comes try something like, “Hey, I have to go, I’m about to take care of something, before I go: are you free this Thursday or Friday around 6ish? I have this place you might like to see?”
This type of message works on many levels. One, it stops the back-and-forth texting. It leaves the other person wanting more. You are not faking being busy, but you want something to look forward to on the date! If you start describing the place or activity, then what’s the point of the date? The next reason is this message gives an exact time to work with. If you just say “are you free this week” it causes a phenomenon called paralysis analysis which happens when a person has too many choices.
Your date then has to look at their schedule and figure out what time they have free. This creates a bunch of unneeded back-and-forth texting. It gives the other person less to think about if you suggest times that you are free and work from there. Instead of five or six messages to nail a time down, it takes two.
The last reason this works is that it says you already have something in mind. You thought about it and have a plan for the date. Nothing is more frustrating than to be asked out on a date and then the asker puts it on you to come up with the date plan. This isn’t saying you always have to come up with date ideas, but if you did the first approach, you should take the lead for at least the first two. For you guys out there, women see a “man with a plan” who has interesting date ideas is seen as HOT AF.
I recently worked with a female client who had a huge fear of talking to new people. After a few weeks of working with her, she approached a guy who asked her out. She blew my ears off after their second date about how great this guy was. She was running and texted him to let him know. Instead of a standard “okay” text, he took a picture of the menu and sent it to her so he could place her order. He definitely got hot points with her for that.
As it turned out the restaurant was in the building the guy worked at. For him, it was simple and easy for him to plan. Nearly zero effort on his part. That’s not the point I’m trying to make though. He took charge and made it easy for the date to happen, and that is what high-quality people with real lives do. They keep things simple. High-quality people don’t need your life story or what your favorite flavors are before setting things up. High-quality people just make it fucking happen.
When you go direct you add so many points to your scoreboard. Think of any sports game and when a player went direct for the goal instead of sneak play. The amount of excitement that you felt when the goal was made. That excitement is what your date feels. I know it feels scary at first because we are brought up to be nice, polite, and agreeable. I can assure you of this though, that attitude is a surefire shortcut to the friend zone.
You will be endlessly stuck planning out elaborate expensive dates that do not go anywhere. If you want to be desirable to other people, learn to value your time and keep the dating process for you and your date simple. Keep things stupid simple and you really can’t go wrong.
I promised a few next-day text examples. Here they are:
Text One: “Call me weird, but I can’t help but think how happy you looked when you took that first bite out of that strawberry. . Had fun with you yesterday.”
Text Two: “Hey trouble, how’s your day going so far?”
Text Three: “Hey beautiful, what are you up to?”
See, simple, playful, easy, and direct. Nothing too overthought or analyzed. For the first two, I use something from the date. The third is general. The second can easily be made general.
So, now you have the follow-up text sent, and you have the second date. I’ve already given you several simple date ideas in the date prep section. But, just in case you are STILL looking for second-date ideas, here are a few more I like to do.
- Drinks at an outdoor or rooftop bar.
- Go to a gym and work out then hang out by the pool.
This works great if you have a gym membership that allows you to bring guests, or your housing complex has these included.
- Cook an easy meal at your place. (Google some recipes).
- Go for a cozy brunch then hang out at your place.
- Go for a picnic with a few snacks. Ask your date to bring a blanket.
If your date doesn’t drink, don’t get worked up over it. I’ve dated women who didn’t drink and it was no big deal. I just ordered the non-alcoholic version or got us sparkling water. I also planned so our activities didn’t center around alcohol. Like I said, keep it simple.
I called this part “The Next Day,” but you don’t NEED to text the day. I would recommend you wait a day. This isn’t being fake or manipulating. What this does is allows the other person to meet you halfway. It allows them to think about the date, what took place, and how they felt. This is also where I need to introduce you to equal energy exchange.
I’ve worked with lots of people. I have run across people who either underinvest or overinvest in the relationship. Overinvesting is when someone gets overly excited when they find someone they are interested in. When I studied how to become a pick-up artist I was taught the idea of underinvesting. The basic premise is that the other person will feel insecure, and start chasing you.
This pick-up mentality sometimes works in the beginning. There are people who enjoy that mind-fuck aspect of dating. I warn you though, high-quality people don’t care for it and tire quickly of the games. Taking too much time between the follow-up makes the other person rethink their investment of time. They don’t want to spend time chasing someone who doesn’t value their time.
Back in my pick-up days, I played this push-pull hot and cold game with lots of women. When I was with them on a date, I was with that one person. In the beginning, I would run through my scripts of texts to show high levels of interest. Then I started to run out of things to say and do. I was forced to show my true self, and I started to pull away.
Most women would give me a few chances to redeem myself. It never failed though, they would become frustrated and send me off to a flaming death. Games do not work. People like others who are authentic and consistent. They want to know that you value yourself and value them as well.
On the other side, overinvesting does not work either. This is when you are available no matter what and come off as clingy. Here are some examples of what this looks like:
- You always pick them up at their place so they don’t have to inconvenience themselves.
- They have canceled more than two dates and you allow them to reschedule instead of confronting them about it.
- You always text first. If you don’t text, then you don’t hear from them.
- You have initiated the first three dates. If you don’t express wanting to see them, then a date doesn’t happen.
- They take hours or days to respond to texts, but you reply in seconds.
- You buy them gifts before anything is official.
- You double or triple text because they haven’t responded.
- They show up more than 15-minutes late for more than two dates, and you act like it’s no big deal.
- You have been on more than three dates and there hasn’t been any physical contact, even though you have tried. (This may be a cultural thing. If so, disregard it.)
- They insist on hanging out in big groups. You end up picking up the check. (This can also be a cultural thing, and appropriate depending on where you live. In the western world, this is not customary.)
I didn’t spend as much time on underinvesting because it is not something I commonly see in most clients. Matter of fact, most clients are surprised to see they have a tendency to overinvest without realizing they are doing it. Don’t worry if you came to that realization, you are not alone. Most people make this mistake at least a few times in their lives. Experience is how you learn what not to do.
The people I work with usually struggle with doing too much and with those who are wrong for them. If you do too much you scare them away. If you do too little, you end up pushing them away as well. You need to find that sweet spot where you are matching their energy and level of investment.
In marketing, this is known as the “bliss point.” Howard Moskowitz coined the term bliss point. Moskowitz is an American market researcher and psychophysicist known for his detailed studies on food optimization for consumer satisfaction. In short, the bliss point is a person’s perceived amount of maximum satisfaction for a particular good or service. Any increase or decrease in the ingredients would lead to the good or service becoming less satisfying.
So, in dating our bliss point is just the right amount of intellectual, sexual, and emotional ingredients. Much like Moskowitz’s saltiness, sweetness, and richness. Too much or too little of either one that doesn’t meet the other person’s energy level and you lose them.
This is where I get the question “how do I keep her/him interested?” I had a client a few years back who had this problem, but he couldn’t figure out the cause. Overall, he didn’t have a lot of the common issues I normally deal with. He could approach, get numbers, and set dates. No problem in being direct. On a few occasions, he got approached. His main problem was maintaining a connection with the women he was interested in. After several dates, the women he liked would drop off and he was frustrated. After a week of working with him, I saw the problem and it was two-fold:
- He didn’t balance the intellectual/sexual/emotional components enough on his dates.
- The women he was choosing were not ready for (or interested in) a mature connection.
I’ve already covered the first part rather well. So, let’s cover the part where you are choosing the people you date.
Who You Date Matters
I’ve mentioned this on the podcast, age really doesn’t matter. It does not always play a factor as people go through different dating goals at different stages in their lives. This really comes down to the level of maturity. Most people in their early twenties are not that concerned with getting married and starting a family. I want to place emphasis on most. There are always exceptions, but generally speaking, they are less inclined to be looking for a serious relationship.
If you are in your younger twenties and/or otherwise don’t want anything serious, this may not matter as much to you. Even if you are in this category, I am still going to advise you to care. I see a lot of clients who fall into the trap of, “since I don’t want something serious, it doesn’t matter who I date.” Here’s the truth though: feelings are real and complicated for both men and women. Do not believe the conventional lie that women are the only ones who want to lock it down. Not true! You may think you don’t want a serious relationship, then you find yourself more invested in someone than you planned within the first two dates.
This is why it is important to choose who you date. You need to choose someone who is just as mature as you are. This is what people tend to go through: you find someone, you like and date them for several weeks, introduce them to everyone, visions of the future start to take hold, then they ghost you out of nowhere. Then you find out they pull some shit like getting back with their ex.
This is not something that you find in a person who is in touch with what they want and is mature. However, you may get that from a person who is not.
I’m going to be extra clear here: I am not saying this to bash anyone who is in their young twenties or younger who knows what they want. I have worked with clients who were in their thirties, forties, fifties, and sixties, who are so far gone I had to refer them to seek professional psychological help.
I can also apply this to myself as well. I wasn’t that mature in my younger twenties. I was rather impulsive and selfish and didn’t know how to articulate my motives to women or consider their side of things. I just knew I wanted something but didn’t know what that something was. That started to change as I got older. The experiences I went through helped my maturity grow. I started to become more collaborative and forthcoming with women. I hope that after reading this, you have more clarity when it comes to choosing whom to date.
However, even if you do everything right and master equal energy exchange and choose wisely who to date, rejection is still going to happen. It is just the reality of the dating game. While doing research for parts of this article, I came across some Google returns that said: “how to become rejection proof.” These were as recent as a month ago. It’s also the SAME SHIT that didn’t work in the early 200s, doesn’t work today, and has just been repackaged.
Men and women have gotten smarter than to believe headline titles such as “Become Rejection Proof,” but people still keep buying the rehashed crap. There is no rejection-proof formula that has ever existed. If it did, that person would be on every talk show, newspaper, website, and headline in the world. The “promise” being made is nothing more than a marketing gimmick.
If you risk putting yourself out there, then you risk being rejected. One thing I have learned is that rejection makes you more proficient at dealing with people, so you might as well embrace and learn from it. I have been rejected more times than I can count, and I don’t try to hide it. I have put myself out there and opened up only to be shut down. I didn’t die, the world didn’t end, I didn’t burst into flames. I also know I’m not going to die alone with a mangy dog next to me.
One thing I learned from running different businesses and working at different jobs is to look at rejection as redirection. What was surprising is that I didn’t even realize this until years later. Here is what I came to find out, when someone pushes you away, they push you closer to yourself. Some of the most meaningful times in my life have come after I have been rejected by a woman I was interested in.
When the first real girlfriend I had went back to her ex, I started my first photography business. When my first real relationship broke off, I started studying psychology and human behavior. Last, when my divorce happened I re-started my coaching business. You get the point.
The main thing is that I didn’t feel bad for myself when all of these things happened. The reason is that I knew, and still know, my own worth. I kept an abundant mindset while keeping my vision toward the future. Don’t get me wrong here. I’m not some uncaring robot. I do have feelings and have definitely taken rejection harshly at times. There were times that I cried and obsessed over a single woman for weeks.
When rejection comes your way, the story you tell yourself about what happened makes the difference between a chaser and a chooser mentality.
If you go around and blame the other person, you will feel grandiose which keeps you in a one-up position. If you blame yourself, you will feel ashamed which will keep you in the one-down position. Neither of these is useful. What you should do is try to de-personalize the situation. Here is the reality, not every connection is meant to last. You will meet people who will enter your life for a reason or a season. Allow the connection to be what it is without assigning blame.
When I look back on those who have rejected me for whatever reason, I have never wished it happened differently. If I had gone out with that person, I would not have gone out with the person I learned so much from. I enjoy my life and love where I am at. Most days I feel like I should pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming. If I continue to think about the past, I’m just going to get depressed. When you stay positive, it all works out in the end.
Speaking from experience, it is useless to go through and think of every single detail to try and pinpoint what went wrong. This will do nothing but keep you stuck in the past. However, it can be valuable to take a moment and reflect on what took place. Depending on the situation, you could ask what your date experienced with you. This is a technique I have used more than once to grow. I will warn you that it can be uncomfortable to hear why that person ultimately decided to pass on you. But, this feedback can show you where your weak points are.
There will be times that the feedback is something you can use immediately. Other times, it may have nothing to do with you. As an example, the woman who went back to her ex had nothing to do with me. It wasn’t that she wasn’t attracted to me or didn’t have feelings. For her, she never really got over her attachment to her ex. She was hurt by the breakup and wanted a temporary distraction. She didn’t fully realize it at the time, all she felt was the pain, and wanted an escape. She knew I was temporary, but that didn’t stop her from accepting my approach.
Nothing I did or did not do would have changed her decision to go back to her ex. Even in the cases where there was something I could have done something differently, I still don’t look at those situations with regret. The way I live my life comes from the angle that everything is happening for me, not to me. Up to this moment, it has worked out rather well for me.
Time To Say Goodbye
We have reached the point where our journey comes to an end. I do hope that what I have given you helps. I do want to make a point. Information is NOT transformation. If you just read this, your dating life will not improve. You have to go out into the world, put yourself out there, and use the information. Transformation starts with information, the change happens by doing.
If you are single and want to date or a relationship, then you are in the game. You need to get into the game and get some points. Sitting on the sidelines wondering if you are good enough, or making up stories about how great you are doesn’t change anything. Turn this information into knowledge, then into wisdom through experience.
The choice is yours to make.